I Lost My Job…Again
I lost my job again. It’s been three and a half months since it happened, and to be completely honest, these past few months have been really hard. But before I get into that, let me back up to the beginning.
The year is 1997. I was fifteen years old. I was fifteen years old when I knew I needed Jesus. I was fifteen years old when I knew what my calling was. I was fifteen year old boy sitting in youth group when I heard Romans 5:8 for the first time. Now, you should know that I had already been in church my entire life, but the dots didn’t connect between what I had been taught about Jesus and what it actually meant to be loved by God until that moment. It was in that moment that my youth minister (shout out to Cameron Bailey, you saved my life, if you didn’t know) was teaching….. well… I’m not sure what he was teaching….. but he was reading Romans 5:8 and in that moment, that reading, something clicked for the first time in my heart and in my head. I had a revelation of what it meant to feel wanted, that I was someone of worth. I knew that God had placed something of significance inside of me that I needed to give back to the world. You see, these were issues I had always struggled with and would question about myself, but it was this night that I finally saw past my own doubts and insecurities. It was at that moment, on a simple Sunday night sitting with my youth group, that I knew I was called to be that same voice to others that Cameron was to me.
Fast forward. Now it’s 2007 and I have my first full-time role in ministry. I was privileged to pastor a mega church of thirty five congregants in the metropolis of South Hill, Virginia. Where you could catch the latest movie, splurge on popcorn AND a drink and not spend more than $10. Life was simple. Life was good.
Now, fast forward again, about twelve years, nine and a half years of marriage, three children, fourteen houses, and eight church’s later. I lost my job… again. This is the moment where all those feelings of unworthiness come flooding back in. This is the moment when the worries about what others must think find their way back into my head. For some reason, it seems that the harshest comments always come from fellow Christians and fellow ministers. Why is that? These are the people that should be the first to encourage and lift you up, but for some reason they have been the ones to throw the first stone.
As I sit and reflect on my almost twelve years in full time ministry, it is easy to become overwhelmingly discouraged. Even putting together my resume to send out to new opportunities is discouraging. It’s hard seeing all those places that we have called home, all those places we began to see as a new beginning last only but for a short period of time. Even reflecting on all the relationships we developed and then lost in each town is a burden that we will carry with us for a long time. This isn’t what I envisioned. This isn’t what I dreamed of when I was fifteen years old during that night at youth group. I desired nothing more than to establish myself in a community that loved my family and me, where we could impact that community for Jesus. But it hasn’t happened that way.
Inside of me, there is a restlessness and desire to see as many people reached for Christ as possible. No matter what they look like, no matter how “messy” they are. My life’s passion is to connect broken people to our Lord and Savior. For some reason God has placed me in many church’s that would be considered “Traditional/Conservative” in their approach to sharing the Gospel. It has been in these settings that I have tried to be the voice I know I was called to be twenty one years ago. But, if you were to look at the “end results” of my ministries this far, you might say that I have failed in this calling. You may look at the a church that has been around for decades and then look at my two year tenure there and say “see, Tim, they’ve been around FOREVER and you were there for just two years… of course it’s your fault!” I would be lying if I were to say I haven’t thought the same thing at times.
Is it my fault? Could I have done more or led in a different way? Did God really call me to this?! These thoughts can overwhelm you if you aren’t careful. The truth is, it’s easy to sit on the outside (heck it’s easy to sit on the inside) and formulate these thoughts and opinions about what happened. From the outside it is easy to miss a few things as well.
It’s easy to miss the countless meetings with those whom I once looked up to as great men of faith. To hear them make it clear that certain people weren’t worth reaching because of their economic standing. Or the times when they made it clear that people of a certain skin color were not welcome here; which I could write much more about this alone, perhaps another time. Or even when they said that people who didn’t look and act like us should find a different church home. I never imagined being told to my face by those who proclaimed Jesus things that were so obviously anti-Gospel.
This is not what I dreamed when I was fifteen.
I never imagined the grief that church politics would cause my wife, or how it would cause tensions in my marriage. I never imagined having to see my wife in tears on our family room floor after I told her I just lost my job and that we would have to pack up and move again. I told you earlier about my struggles with feeling unloved, unworthy, and that I have nothing to offer. Seeing my wife like this only enrages these battles in my head. These are things I constantly have to take to the foot of the cross. It is in the middle of my fight with these thoughts that I have to sit down with my eight year old daughter (Peyton) and tell her that we will be moving again. Do you want to know what it’s like to get punched in the heart? Watch your daughter react to the fact that she will be leaving her new group of best friends because you lost your job. I could not have imagined that conversation with Peyton and feeling like I had completely failed her as a father. No one warned me what being called to serve the local church would do to those you loved the most.
This is not what I dreamed when I was fifteen.
So here we are friends, family, and whoever else might be reading this. I’ve lost my job, again. I don’t know what opinion or version of the story you have in your mind. Truthfully, I’m not sure if I care. I just know that we’re in the wilderness, spiritually speaking. At first I really struggled with it. I was frustrated and even a bit angry about it. But then I was given a different perspective from a few friends who know me and my heart. You see the wilderness isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Sure, I would much rather stand on the mountain top with all of you thinking I am the greatest pastor ever. But check it out. It was in the wilderness that John the Baptist was prepared. It was in the wilderness where he received revelation. It was in the wilderness were he learned what it meant to be obedient, to seriously rely on God. It was in the wilderness that John learned true humility. And it was in the wilderness where John had the opportunity to draw close to our Father. It was here that God was positioning John for something that was far beyond what he could have done for himself.
I love what it says in Matthew 3:4 about John. “John’s clothes were made of camel’s hair, and he had a leather belt around his waist. His food was locusts and wild honey.” You see, John lived in the wilderness but he was provided for. He was sustained by God, fed by God, and clothed by God. All of these things, the camel’s hair, the locust and wild honey were all found in the same wilderness that God had called him to. Parallel this to Matthew 6:26 where it is Jesus Himself who says “Look at the birds in the sky! They don’t plant or harvest. They don’t even store grain in barns. Yet your Father in heaven takes care of them. Aren’t you worth more than birds?” How great is it that we serve a God who takes care of our needs and meets them, even in the middle of the wilderness.
It was in the wilderness that John learned that his one and only source was God. It is in our wilderness that we are learning again that it is our Heavenly Father who will supply all of our needs according to the riches of His Glory in Jesus Christ. That it is only our God who can and will fulfill his purposes for me.
We serve a God who takes care of our needs and meets them, even in the middle of the wilderness.
I do not know what the future holds for me or my family. One of hardest things I have had to swallow has been when people (innocently) keep telling me “He’s got big plans” for you. I have been hearing this for many, many years. How do I align what my expectations are with what Gods reality is, and with what I feel everyone else’s expectations of me are? I don’t know what God is positioning me for, but for the first time in my life I am stepping out of the boat and giving God absolute control over my future. I’m trusting that this season is one that God is preparing not only the place, but me and my family for something we could not have orchestrated for ourselves. I’ve completely given it to Him. Whatever happens, will happen by His hands and His hands alone.
I lost my job again, but I’m finding comfort in my Savior.
This is not what I dreamed when I was fifteen, but the same God who led us into the wilderness will lead us out once again
